I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
