guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My day in three words: secret purse cake
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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