hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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