I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The power of my boobs compel you
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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