Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
