We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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