And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
