Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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