i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
