she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
