Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
