Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
