She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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