I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
