no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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