this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
this is an emotional support booty call
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
