Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
