Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
