I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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