I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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