we have pet lesbian snakes
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
