The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
