can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
