I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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