toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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