We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
