I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
