When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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