Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
