I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
