the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
