I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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