So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Little spoons don't ask big questions
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
