i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
