So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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