My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
