he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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