Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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