Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
