cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
