There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
