Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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