Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
