so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Dicks are not precious.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
