he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
