It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
