i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
