Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
