You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
vagina is talking i cant
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
