Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
